Born in Light

  Kim ten Tusscher

  Born in Light

  THE LILITH TRILOGY, BOOK 3

  Published in The Netherlands in 2012 by Zilverspoor

  English edition published in 2019 by Alter Ego press

  Copyright © Kim ten Tusscher 2010

  Copyright © Zilverspoor/Alter Ego Press 2018

  This translation © 2019 Zilverspoor/Alter Ego Press

  Cover illustration & design by Studio Zilverspoor

  Designed and typeset by Studio Zilverspoor

  Edited by Jos Weijmer

  Translation by Rianne Stolwijk, www.spelledout.nl

  Copy Editing by Debbie Manber Kupfer

  www.kimtentusscher.com

  Facebook: kimttee

  www.alteregopress.com info@alteregopress.com

  Facebook: alteregopress

  Twitter: @AlterEgoPress

  All rights reserved, which includes the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever.

  All characters in this book are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

  Alter Ego Press is an imprint of Zilverspoor, www.zilverspoor.com.

  1

  The world had lost all colour. The sun was reflected by the snow so brightly that everything was blindingly white. Lilith sighed and closed her eyes. Black spots danced defiantly in front of her. How much further did she have to go before she could summon the dragon?

  She yelled at the dogs without opening her eyes. The jolt of the sledge told her they had picked up speed. The icy wind roared around her. The tiny layer of fat that Lilith had put on during her stay with the Inuuk had long since disappeared. Her clothes were now baggy and had lost their insulating effect. From time to time she ran behind the sledge to keep warm.

  When the dogs suddenly stopped Lilith almost lost her balance. Grumbling, she let her eyes adjust to the light. They were at the foot of a snow hill. The leader of the dogs looked at her over its shoulder. Lilith clucked her tongue. The dogs were panting. Puffs of steam hung around their noses. “Come on, let’s get going,” Lilith spurred on the dogs. The leader of the team, however, decided to lie down.

  “Mongrel,” Lilith mumbled as she looked over her shoulder. There was nothing to be seen.

  Or was there? She looked again. Nothing but white. She had mistaken the spots in front of her eyes for human beings.

  She had long since left the last vegetation behind. Ever since she had escaped Seraph and Nander, she hadn’t seen a living soul, apart from her dogs. Not even a polar bear. The Inuuk had warned her about these predators, but Lilith sometimes hoped she would encounter one. A sign of life in this snowy environment would be a relief.

  “But it had better be a sign from a creature that actually lives here,” Lilith mumbled to herself. She wanted to leave the rest of the world, and all the people and problems in it, behind for good.

  Lilith stepped off the sledge and staggered; fatigue came over her like a tidal wave. She looked at the dogs. They were curled up in the snow. Thanks to them, she was leaving the danger behind at great speed. She limped towards the leader and cuddled her fur. “I’m sorry for wearing you out, Imiq. We’ll rest here.”

  Lilith had named the dog a few days after she had left the Inuuk. She had started talking to her to chase away the loneliness. She had called her “water”. The name suited Imiq’s eyes.

  Lilith...

  She jumped to her feet and turned around. Shivering, she ran her gloved hand along her neck. It was as if Kasimirh was calling her, but how would he be able to get in touch with her now that she wasn’t wearing the amulet any more?

  She looked at the dogs. They were lying exhausted on the hides she had spread out for them. Fighting the urge to get moving, Lilith listened if she heard her name again. All was quiet. She told herself that it had been the wind. Just the wind, nothing else.

  Lilith had completely worn out her animals over the past few days and decided to set up camp. After feeding the dogs, she hauled the tent off the sledge and set it up. Then she pushed the sledge into the tent. Only Imiq followed her inside. Lilith poured some seal oil in a bowl and lit it. She cooked dinner and ate without appetite.

  Imiq was already asleep when Lilith went to bed. She couldn’t find any rest herself, because her mind kept spinning. She had no idea how much time had passed since she had escaped Seraph and Nander. At first, she had counted the short nights, but eventually she had lost count. At moments like these, when she went to bed feeling confused and haunted, it seemed as if there hadn’t been a night at all. That was why she had kept on running.

  Now, she forced herself to stay in bed. She knew very well that it had been several days since the stranger had turned up. He had been constantly on her mind as well. Who was he? Was it the dragon she was looking for? Or was it someone who belonged to the Inuuk?

  As Lilith dozed off, it occurred to her that Lord Jakob might have sent him. Or maybe it was Jakob Himself? He was the only one who could know exactly where she was, and He knew her name. He had shown her the right path before.

  Feeling more at ease, Lilith fell asleep with a smile on her lips, holding a stone in her hand. She had found the stone along the way and had been praying with it ever since. There was nothing to worry about. God watched over her.

  Lilith jolted awake. She strained her ears. The wind was howling around the tent, but that wasn’t why she had woken up. Imiq growled softly and raised her head. Lilith stroked the dog’s long fur while listening intently. The dogs had barked, but now everything was quiet, except for the wind and the flapping of the canvas. Just when Lilith wanted to lie back down, she heard another noise. Right beside her, on the other side of the tent, the snow crunched.

  She got up and felt around for the stick that she used to measure the depth and firmness of the snow she travelled on. She heard another footstep. Without making a noise, she rolled to the other side and crawled out of the tent. She crawled further, until she was able to take a look around the corner.

  The sun was already appearing from behind the horizon. A bit further down stood a man. His sledge was parked at some distance from the tent. The dogs were wolfing down lumps of meat.

  “Icamm?”

  The man turned around. Lilith raised her stick. He was wearing Icamm’s clothes, but his face didn’t look like the man she had stayed with.

  “Lilith.” He smiled at her.

  Lilith stopped in motion. Despite the scars, she recognized the lines in his face. It was almost as if she was looking in a mirror. Almost, because he had a beard and a scar on his face.

  But no, it couldn’t be. She had killed this man. Anukasan had told her so.

  “Who are you?”

  “I’m Almor, your father.”

  Lilith lowered the stick and leaned on it. She shook her head and tried to think, as her gaze wandered along the snowy plain. The never-ending white landscape was probably driving her mad and the extreme cold was making her see things that weren’t there.

  She felt a hand on her shoulder and raised her stick. A second later she was lying in the snow. Lilith felt around for the stick, but the man kicked it away.

  He stared down at her before he reached out his hand. “I’m sorry. Apparently we’re much alike, because we react in the same way.” He smiled somewhat ill at ease.

  Lilith got up without help and patted the snow off her clothes. “You’re not real,” she said. “Go away.”

  “Lilith…” He shook his head, smiling. “How wonderful to finally be able to say your name. To have you standing in front of me. But at the same time it feels very strange. How tall you’ve grown.”

  He put his hand on her shoulder again. Lilith took a step back.

  “I tho
ught you were dead. Is my mother still alive, too?”

  He shook his head. He opened his mouth, closed it, and swallowed. “Make your old man some food,” he said.

  Lilith glanced at him and went inside, feeling confused. Almor pottered about his sledge some more before he followed her. Lilith handed him a bowl of food. She washed herself with the water she had heated to make the food and grabbed a bowl too. By the time Lilith took her first bite, Almor had already half-emptied his bowl.

  “Why are you here?” Lilith asked with her mouth full.

  Almor gave her an inquisitive look. “Is that the first question that comes to your mind? Wouldn’t you like to know how I found you? Or why I didn’t come sooner?”

  Lilith shook her head. She could ask those questions later. First, she needed to know whether Almor had come with good intentions.

  “I do blame myself,” Almor said, “for not finding you sooner. But to answer your question; I went looking for you to get some answers.”

  Lilith took a bite. Almor’s face looked stiff on one side because of the scar. Lilith thought about how Kasimirh had persuaded her to do what he wanted. She laid down her spoon and looked at the scar on her right wrist. It would have been better if she had gone through with it and killed herself. Then she would never have attacked the village where her parents had been living at that time.

  Almor looked at her and briefly rubbed the damaged skin. His face was emotionless, but Lilith could see the pain and bitterness in his eyes. He swallowed his food. “I saw you when you attacked. I lost everything that day. My wife, but also the illusions I had about my daughter.”

  Lilith nodded. She understood exactly what he meant. He had expected to see an uncooperative dragon, but instead he had seen a monster that unwaveringly spread death and destruction.

  “Tell me about my mother. What was she like?” Lilith asked, trying to change the subject before Almor could ask difficult questions.

  It worked. Her father stared off in the distance with a smile on his face. “Ludmilla was amazing. She meant the world to me.”

  “I heard that she was a musician,” said Lilith.

  “Ludmilla always worked magic with her strings, producing the most wonderful music, but music was only a means to disguise what she truly loved to do. Because of her harp, she could go anywhere without raising suspicion. She played at night, and during the day she took care of the sick.”

  Lilith’s jaw dropped. “She was a healeress?” she whispered.

  Almor nodded proudly. “Just like all women in her family.”

  Lilith shivered. Not only had she killed her mother, she had also tarnished her heritage. Where her mother had brought life, the daughter brought nothing but death. She stirred her food. She had lost her appetite.

  “There’s one thing I’ve always wondered about these past years.”

  Lilith looked up warily. Almor was staring off in the distance and shook his head. He suddenly looked at her. “Did you… did you know that we lived there?”

  Lilith got up. She shook her head wildly and clenched her teeth. “Is that why you have come?” she hissed between her teeth. She snatched the bowl out of her father’s hands. “Do you truly believe that I’d knowingly kill my own parents?” She threw the bowls away. “You have no idea what I’ve been through.”

  Almor hid his face in his hands and didn’t move for a while. Lilith was leaning against the pole that was keeping the tent up. As soon as Almor opened his mouth, she stormed outside. Imiq followed her. Lilith knelt down in the snow and held the dog tight.

  “Lilith?”

  Lilith buried her face in Imiq’s fur. She shook her head.

  “I’m sorry,” Almor said quietly. He remained standing behind her.

  “How long have you hated me for killing your wife?” Lilith asked without turning around.

  Almor was silent for a few seconds. Barely audible, he said, “There were days that I cursed you and days that I cried for you.” He pulled her up and took her in his arms. Lilith froze. “But now I remember that I’ve always loved you.”

  Lilith pushed him away and walked back into the tent. She rolled up the animal hides and threw them out.

  “I wish you’d never come after me,” she mumbled as she pushed the sledge out of the tent.

  “Would you rather have stayed with Seraph?” Almor asked.

  Lilith shook her head emphatically. She picked up her belongings and piled them up on the sledge. “You could have had another child. You should have forgotten about me. Then I would never have… then you and Ludmilla would still be happy together.”

  Almor looked at her, shaking his head. He helped her to fold the heavy tent. “Maybe you’ll understand when you have children of your own one day. The only thing we could do was try to find you and hope that we would be in time to make everything right again. It never crossed our minds to give up on you.” He laid the package on the sledge and turned around to face her.

  “But still, it would have been for the best,” Lilith said.

  Almor grabbed her shoulders. His grasp was firm. Lilith struggled to break free, but quickly gave up. “You don’t know what it was like, Lilith. You can’t judge us. We only knew you for seventeen days, but that was enough to be willing to die for you. Ludmilla did, and I’ve never avoided any risks if there was a chance to find you and protect you. I swear to you that I never will.”

  “A moment ago it sounded as if you wanted revenge,” Lilith snapped at him.

  Her father clenched his teeth. With tears in his eyes, he shook his head. After he let go of her, she harnessed the dogs. Lilith took off before Almor could jump onto his sledge. Behind her, she heard Almor urging on his dogs.

  “Where are you going?” her father shouted when he had caught up with her.

  “A dragon lives around here.”

  “What do you want from him?”

  Lilith shrugged. “Hopefully, I’ll be safe with him.” She held the pouch that was hanging around her neck. It contained the flute that Niul had given her. She could use it to summon the dragon once she had travelled far enough across the icy plains.

  “I’m with you now,” Almor said. “I’ll protect you.”

  Lilith looked at him out of the corner of her eye and cast down her gaze. “Nevertheless, I need to go to him,” she whispered.

  2

  Lilith pushed the sledge up the hill and, before the dogs picked up too much speed, jumped back on as they rounded the top. The white landscape stretched out in front of her. She kept hoping it would change, but it didn’t.

  She pulled her hood further over her head and urged on the dogs. She peeked at her father from behind her snow goggles. He was wearing goggles as well. She couldn’t see his eyes behind the narrow slit in the wood, but she had a feeling that he kept stealing glances at her too.

  They didn’t talk much as they spurred on the dogs to go faster and faster. The wind and their heavy hoods made it hard to hear one another, but Lilith realized that wasn’t the only reason for their silence. It was all so unreal. She had never really considered the possibility of seeing her parents again. In Nadesh, her hopes had flared up briefly, only to be extinguished by Anukasan telling her what had happened in Tewarsum.

  Had she ever fantasized about a reunion with her father, she would never have imagined him asking her if she had known that Ludmilla and he had been living in Tewarsum at the time of her attack. Lilith tightened her grip on the sledge, then relaxed. She regretted her outburst, but hadn’t known how else to deal with her confusing emotions. She wondered how a daughter was supposed to behave. The closest thing she’d ever had to a father was Kasimirh.

  You should have stayed away, Lilith thought, taking another quick glance at Almor.

  On top of the next hill, Lilith made her dogs stop. The whirling, white curtain of a snowstorm was approaching. It was still far off, but Lilith knew from experience that the storm would soon reach them, and they were moving straight towards it.

  “
We have to set up the tent,” she said reluctantly.

  Almor nodded and pointed in the distance at a grey blemish in a white landscape. “We can find shelter from the wind over there. Follow me.” He shouted something at his dogs, and his sledge went down the hill.

  Lilith hesitated. On this plain, everything seemed closer that it really was. She had misjudged distances before. “We’ll never make it!” she screamed, as she directed her dogs to follow him.

  Almor spurred on his dogs. It started to snow and the wind was picking up. Lilith ignored the alarm bells in her head and followed Almor. The snowflakes were getting bigger. Her father was nothing more than a dark blur.

  And then he was gone. The curtain of snow was so dense that Lilith couldn’t see any further than the dogs at the rear of her team. They were sinking deeper into the fresh snow. The wind was howling around her. Snow got stuck on her eyelashes, and with every breath, she inhaled thick flakes. Lilith wiped her face clean.

  “Almor!”

  No answer. Her face was covered with snow again.

  “Father!”

  Her voice could hardly be heard over the loud howling of the wind, but she kept calling. At long last, she heard a reply. “I’m here. Just a little further.” The curtain became less dense and she saw her father. Snow was clinging to his beard and clothes, so Lilith could only see his eyes. “We made it,” he said proudly. He hauled the big package off Lilith’s sledge. “Help me set up the tent.”

  Lilith walked up to him, struggling against the wind. Almor grabbed hold of her and dragged her after him. Lilith couldn’t undo the knots in the rope, so she took off her gloves. When she reached the third knot, she could hardly move her fingers any more. She rubbed her hands together and breathed on them, but it only worked temporarily. Her gloves were now covered in snow and were nowhere to be found.

  Almor undid the last knot. They hauled the tent to the spot that Almor had pointed out and nailed down the corners with long stakes. The wind made it difficult to push the pole into the top and raise the tent together. When they had finished, Almor pushed the sledges inside.